Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Basketball
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Duck typos.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough