2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
You Might Also Like
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.