It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Steam Forums
At least he brought enough for everyone
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!