Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk