Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
But wait…
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow