We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes