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I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
You sure about that?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.