Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
😬
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.