Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
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I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.