Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
You Might Also Like
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck