“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!