[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it