Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
doing some research
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.