Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?