me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra