Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?