I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus