Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
That lamp looks PISSED.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
oh u like geography? name every lake