You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The little toadstool has spoken.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out