“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Born to be mild.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I need to get some bricks…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Super Hand Dog Face
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.