The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.