[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
You Might Also Like
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?