I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Scream sneezers need love too.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it