[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.