Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
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[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Birds & Planes.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything