If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
no such thing as a dumb question
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”