The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
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No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery