My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I don’t know what to do
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.