“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Still my favourite meme.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*limbos away from your hug*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run