Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot