My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.