Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
How your email finds me
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Seek kebab; not attention
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.