DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?