my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.