Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”