I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Just why bro?!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.