if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You Might Also Like
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.