*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
so this horse walks into a bar
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
That’s fair
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
#titanic
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.