THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Gemma Correll
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.