Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
lol
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other