Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.