Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad