This line from Airplane.
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
How actors in movies eat their food
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
A friend helps you before you need it
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.