Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.