[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.