I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.