God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.