Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
You Might Also Like
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.