#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.