UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.